M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
