It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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