Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
