Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
