I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Im part way to drunk.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
