Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
