that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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