my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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