I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
