i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
