she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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