It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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