Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
