I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
