Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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