dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
