My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
