When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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