The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I wear drunk well.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
