filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Randomize
