On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
