Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
