College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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