I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
This house was built for laser tag.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I deserve this hangover.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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