these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
