I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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