p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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