Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
