I think i peed on brittanys purse
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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