Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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