if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
