i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
