The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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