she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
