i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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