Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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