if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
