we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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