sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
this is an emotional support booty call
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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