i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My dad just said "fuck circus"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
