So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
