I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize