you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
