pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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