I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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