Moan for me like Helen Keller
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
