I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize