Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
