If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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