his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
