he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
