I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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