I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
