This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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