Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
