the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize