she told me i tasted like america
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She bit a glass in half.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
