I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
