next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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